Saturday, October 24, 2009

SELFISHNESS

Last weekend was my last big weekend before my taper. It consisted of a 17 mile run on Saturday and a 100 mile bike on Sunday. I felt great and relieved that training was winding down. I was overwhelmed by the emotion when I got off the bike.

What happened this week, my first week of tapering, surprised me. I spent most of the week worrying about details of the trip, House's post-surgery health, work, and other things that were out of my control. On Wednesday evening, I went to bed not speaking to anyone including House. I spent all day Wednesday upset that the trip to North Carolina and everything going on currently should be about me and no one else because I am the one doing an Iron Race!

On Thursday morning, after a great swim with Snips, things came back into perspective. I was angry at being selfish. I felt stupid and petty. After a day at work in which I took care of a 38 year old with Stage 4 lung cancer, I came home and talked with House. I think all the emotion that I was experiencing was a kind of taper anxiety. Maybe I was beginning to look for excuses either not to do it or not to finish. House told me that for the next 2 weeks I need to be selfish to be ready to have the best day that I can.

I know that all the hard training is in the bank. There is nothing I can change at this point in time. Now focus on the final race prep and in 2 weeks from today I will be out there.

Waddling with 2 weeks until Beach 2 Battleship........

11 comments:

Stef said...

Sounds like taper to me, as much as I can imagine the iron taper feels like.

The half iron taper is bad enough, for me at least!

YES you will be out there in two weeks reaping the rewards of your training! Until then good luck keeping it together. I'm sure you will!!!!!!!!

Rooting for you!

Joe said...

Taper Madness. It has a name. Odd things happen.

You did well to reflect and be self-aware. That's key. Sitting down for that talk with House was just what you needed. As did he.

Smile...enjoy the taper...get set for the big adventure. You'll be fine.

Vickie said...

I'm not feeling the "selfishness" angle as much as the emotinal one. Whenever I think of this race, I get teary eyed. At the same time, I only have about a 75% amount of confidence I will make it, which worries me more. I guess the taper thing really gets to you. I know you will finish.

amybee said...

It sounds like you are right on track, Waddler. You've done the work, now recover and rest. All the anxiety is normal.

You'll get you there and you'll just "do your thing" till you cross the finish line.

You will ROCK!

IronLinae, PhD said...

Oh yeah, that's taperitis. Props to House for giving you the support you need.

Formulaic said...

Definetly sounds like taper to me.

The good thing is that you are self aware enough to reflect on what is going on and be able to take steps to remedy it.

Just know that nothing counts the weeks of taper and the first two days after the race. Stupid, silly and mean things may/will pass through your mind and your lips but you don't mean any of them. You most likely won't even remember them!

It sounds like you are ready for b2b. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Calyx Meredith said...

Tapering seems like it would be a relief but then all that ickiness bubbles up. You did a fantastic job letting it flow through and out. Glad you were able to reconnect with your love and support.

Running Jayhawk said...

I completely and totally understand the emotion you're feeling.

Last night I had a meltdown of massive proportions because of the guilt I've been feeling with training. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss being able to do what I want whenever I want.

I feel guilty about all the money I've spent on this stupid race that has become the center of my existence for the past 11 months. I feel guilty that everyone has sacrificed so much to help me get to that start line and now I'm the one questioning if I've truly done enough to get my rear to the finish.

It's overwhelming. And it's scary. And it sucks.

But know that you're not alone with feeling selfish. This feeling...it's part of the process. Surviving these emotions is part of what will make you, me...us...Iron.

YOU CAN DO THIS. We are all so insanely proud of you. You've touched and inspired people you've never met. Watching you gives me hope that I, too, can pull through these emotions and training and taper madness and come out the other side in one piece.

I hope you know that I am going to be cheering so hard for you from afar in 10 days. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you listen closely you'll probably be able to hear me.

IronLinae, PhD said...

So we are getting down to the wire. Send me an email at ironlinae@gmail.com if you want to meet up.

ShirleyPerly said...

Yes, tapering can create all sorts of weirdness. Part of it may be less endorphins to keep you high, more time to worry about things and simply the realization that race is near. But you really have done all you can training-wise and need to trust that that's enough to get you through the race itself. It's wonderful to hear you have a hubby who understands.

Go get it, Waddler!!

ShirleyPerly said...

PS - I'm trying to organize a blogger meet-up at B2B since I've not yet heard of one. Please go to the B2B Triathletes blog (http://beach2b.blogspot.com/) if you're interested.

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